I’m Here Every Tuesday Guys

Well it’s been a while. Not because I don’t have anything to say, because one can argue that I have far too much too say, but I guess I’ve just been lacking the inclination to do so. Probably due to the fact that I’ve been busy in a bubble of rainbows and unicorns and all of those other things that people associate with happiness, but I’ve decided that it’s time to come out! I’m ready for my fingers to frantically attempt to keep up with every fleeting thought. Because my thoughts are just that. Fleeting. Just like moments, they come and go faster than the blink of an eye and all you can do is attempt to catch an image, or a sound, or a smell, long enough so that you might be able to muster up even a silhouette of that original thought or feeling later on. Anyways, I digress. My purpose is not to write about the joys of writing, or to announce my comeback, which I now realize is exactly what I just did and am slightly disappointed by that fact, but whatever. Moving on. I wanted to write because I’m currently at a crossroad and I’m not too sure which route to take. But the good news is that there are options! Good options! Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if that is good news. What’s more difficult? Making a decision from a bunch of good options or making a decision from a bunch of bad or mediocre options? Food for thought?
Getting off topic again.
So I’ve decided that its time to establish HOW I want to live my life. Just a quick note, this shouldn’t be confused with WHAT I want to do with my life, because knowing myself, that’s something that’s bound to keep on changing. This is about HOW I want to do whatever I end up doing. Because truth be told, it really doesn’t matter to me what exactly I end up doing with my life as long as I do, in fact, do it. Experience it. Relish it. Take chances. Because in the end I’m fairly confident that I’ll be far more disappointed by the things that I didn’t do than by the things that I do end up doing. Even if those decisions are terrible terrible mistakes. Even if they bring nothing but negativity and pain. Even if they get me nowhere. After all, nowhere is somewhere right? And somewhere is definitely not nowhere. To each their own.

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Honestly,

I just love you so much more today than I did yesterday. And yesterday I loved you more than I did the day before. And tomorrow, well tomorrow I don’t know for sure. Tomorrow everything could be different. Tomorrow everything could be nothing, but for today, just today, you can breathe easy knowing that I love you more than yesterday.  
And by “you” I mean me of course…
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This Song Is Like When We’re Trying To Make Things Work

When we’re so desperate to hold onto that miniscule thread of hope. When all you want to do is listen to those empty words that you love more than anything. The soft voice saying that everything will still turn out the way you want it to. When on the surface you know that it won’t. That it can’t. That it shouldn’t. When there’s nothing left to do but let it go. Let yourself exhale. Ease your grip on that tiny fragmented rock high up on that cliff that you’ve been holding onto for dear life and just fall. Hit the ground. Maybe this song is all wrong. When letting go becomes the hardest thing in the world, maybe that’s when it’s time to stop fighting.

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I Guess I’ve Never Really Been Much Of An Angel

I started writing this novel a really long time ago and I’m having trouble finishing it. It’s not that I don’t know how it ends, because I do, I’m just having a slight issue matching the motivation that I began with. Which is bad because I have a deadline. A deadline that I should care about because,well, this is the kind of opportunity that people work their entire lives for, but for some reason, I just can’t find it within me to take it that seriously. I mean, it’s good. The novel, that is. I think it’s really good actually, but it wasn’t meant to be what it could potentially become. The problem is, it’s been drawn out for far too long and I can’t seem to find the angry teenager that started it.

 It’s almost like being handed a half written essay from one of your classmates and being told to finish it. Somehow you’re supposed to channel the other person and make it all flow, but it’s difficult as all hell. Especially when you’d like nothing more than to forget where it all started in the first place. The point is it’s good though. Or at least a few people in fancy office chairs think so. Which hopefully means that it’s worth a try to make something of it?

Another thing is, now that I’m in this particular position, it’s become apparent to me that everyone that I know would probably read what I wrote. What’s even more frightening, is that EVERYONE will have something to say about it. I don’t know how big authors do it. To spend numerous hours, a myriad of emotions, and only God knows how many tubs of ice cream on something, and then to have it be criticized in front of everyone? That doesn’t sound appealing to me. In fact, it sounds like an invitation to hell. 

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I Don’t Have Enough Regrets To Paint A Perfect Portrait Yet

For the majority of my life, I wanted to be a doctor. When I was younger, my dad used to tell me that if I graduated medical school by twenty-five, my life would be set. I would never have to worry about anything that he and my mom had to worry about. I just had to put in the time, and it would all pay off later. He made it sound like it was common sense. Like anyone in my position would be stupid to not take advantage of the amazing opportunities I have, but after three years of college, I’ve decided that I don’t want that. I don’t want to go to med school. I CAN go to med school. I sure as hell have the grades for it, and I CAN be a doctor if I wanted to. But I don’t. That just isn’t how I want to spend the first half of my twenties anymore.

Growing up, like most kids, I was always in a rush. I had a problem when people told me things like ” Don’t be in a hurry to grow up”, and “You have plenty of time for that.” Aside from the fact that I thought I knew absolutely everything there was to know about life at the age of thirteen, I had the hardest time coming up with reasons for why I shouldn’t be in a rush to go to high school and finally get rid of the uniform. Or at sixteen when my parents were begging me to wait until I got older before committing so much of my time to one boy. I couldn’t understand why people were telling me to take my time experiencing these little, insignificant things. After all, everyone goes through them. Might as well get them over with right? The sooner I get through all of this childish stuff, the quicker I can get to the good stuff. In my haste to make it to that prophetic point in life where everything is just easy, I never stopped and thought about how losing the uniform meant not being able to see the people that I grew up with every single day. I didn’t know that, attached to every precious moment that you wish would last forever, is an inevitable agonizing one that feels like it’ll never end. I learned a lot. Most importantly though, I think I finally realized that that point that my dad described, that point where everything becomes easy, doesn’t exist. Not really anyway. There will always be something to worry about. When you were four it was losing your favorite toy and when you’re thirty it’s losing your job. It’s all the same really. The same feeling just in a different context. This isn’t to say that that my dad was lying to me. I think that for him that point of utter simplicity is very real. It’s a place of perfection that exists in his head, ironically landscaped by all of the things he wishes he did differently in his life.

So here’s the real issue as of late. I’m stressed out because, quite frankly, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with myself. That’s not to say that I haven’t been doing anything, because I have. I just don’t know where all of this productivity is leading me. I’m not sure where I want it to lead me. The problem is that I don’t have that portrait of perfection in my head. I don’t know which path is most favorable because I haven’t quite followed one far enough down. Naturally, in an attempt to cope with the stress of the present, I look to the future for a pinch of motivation. Anything to keep me going in the direction that I’ve always been told is the right one, but really, the more that I think about it, the more I realize how little it matters. I don’t need to know where exactly I’m going to end up because no matter where it is I’ll make it work. So as I enter the year 2013, I resolve to mess up enough to figure things out. Or maybe just enough so that I’m not scared to mess up anymore? Either way, it’s going to be a big year.

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What I Will Write About When I Have The Time To Think It All Through

I’m going to write about a lot of things. I’m going to write about how I just withdrew from my university. I’m going to write about how I made plans to fly to Belgium to attend the hugest music festival in the world. Eventually, I’m going to write about how excited I am to have signed up for piano lessons. I might write about my struggle to decide whether or not to dye my hair back to blonde. I could write about how funny it is that everyone at work thinks I’m dating one of my best friends. I could also write about how, as much as I wanted things to work, and as hard as I tried to be the perfect person for this last guy, things just weren’t meant to work. I can even write about how relieved I am that I didn’t make things work. Because I very well could have.

At some point, I know I’ll write about my sorority. I’ll write about how the day I joined, I submitted to a part of myself that I had been denying for as long as I can remember. I’ll also emphasize how grateful I am for being given the opportunity to figure that out. When I get tired of writing about all of that stuff, I’ll write about this philosophical scenario I recently came across that ultimately comes down to setting your priorities straight. Once I start talking about priorities, I’ll probably start freaking out about what I’m doing with my life, only to later realize that I’m being productive and doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing. I’ll then write about some epiphany that I’m sure I’ll have by then. I’ll write about how I quit ice cream cold turkey. That is, after I first admit that I have a problem, which I may or may not ever get around to doing. I’ll write about how there’s no place that I’d rather be right now than this little coffee shop in Fullerton that just so happens to stay open until 2am. Following that train of thought, I’ll write about where I should be, physically that is, versus where I am. Eventually I’ll transcribe exactly how happy I am to have found that HIMYM group that I thought I had lost forever. Then, one of my last sentences will be something like “I can do whatever the hell I want!”, just for dramatic effect of course. I’ll end up closing things out with something short and witty. Something like “Now where to start?”

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Most Recent Dessert Specials

There are just so many that it’s hard to choose the best one! In fact, if someone were to ask me what my favorite dessert is, I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell them. They all have their own special qualities and too much of anything is bad I guess, but they’re all great while your eating them. So let’s start from the beginning! Because that’s where people start!

Homemade chocolate chip cookies! They’re something you grow up with. Whenever that smell fills the room, you just can’t help but feel content and at home because that’s what they are. Or rather, that’s what they represent. Home. They’re warm and comfortable and oh so forgiving. They’re a reminder of where you started. Plus, you really can’t screw up with them because, well, you’ve already made them way more times than you probably should have, but you’ll never really get tired of them. You may eventually get tired of the hassle that it is to make them, and you may not even love them as much as you used to, but you’ll always remember the taste.

Next there’s chocolate covered strawberries. Definitely the most healthy alternative to all of these other desserts, but they’re inconsistent. Although there’s always that sweet chocolate shell to look forward to, you never know for sure what you’re going to get with the strawberry. Sometimes its sweet and sometimes it’s sour. I guess that’s what makes them good though. Or rather, that’s what makes them fun to eat. Personally though, I like them better when they’re slightly sour. They’re a lot less stupid that way.

My current dessert of choice is fudge brownies. They’re just like chocolate chip cookies minus the nostalgia. The only issue with brownies is that they’re so damn rich! Haha. That is, it’s not always easy to eat a whole brownie, but it’s an insult to leave any piece unfinished. You have to eat it all, and sometimes that’s a bit intimidating. Especially when you know that the second you decide to stop eating that divine, soft, warm brownie, someone will strut right up to the table and finish it for you, leaving you utterly devastated and filled with regret. After all, you love fudge brownies, you really do, and brownies are definitely the way you would want to end your meal, but I don’t know guys, what if you decide later that you’re still hungry?

But then there’s that one. That one that’s just so damn delicious that you can’t stop going back. So, SO sweet. Sweet but simple. Not warm though. If it were warm you’d become far to comfortable and probably get over it like any healthy individual would want for themselves… But I don’t! Sorry, slip up. I mean, you don’t. You don’t want to stop eating ice cream. You should want to. After all, it gives you a terrible sugar rush that lasts forever and it really does nothing for your figure, but you love it. You love that burst of anticipation. That high that you get when it touches your lips. That frigid bite that keeps you desperate for more. It’s fucking delectable! The only problem is that it melts unless you remember to put it back in the freezer for a while… But even while it’s in that freezer, you really can’t help but think about it while you’re eating other desserts. I mean ice cream is supposed to be good with everything right? I wouldn’t know though. Contrary to popular belief, I’ve never tried it with anything else.

I definitely have a problem.

A serious problem.

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